Smeared

He hugged me and slept while I was working on my laptop. He looked peaceful. 
I have known him for 3 years now, he knows I am not potential enough to love him, I am not capable of any relationship because…. but still he is there. He has always been there. Of course we had ups and downs but still, he had never left my side. He knew I do not like anyone touching me because of my own reasons but he never tried anything with me. He is a man, he has his need but still he had always been so patient with me. I wonder why and how.

Canvas size 11×14

I poured myself a drink and sat in the drawing room while working on my iPad, I didn’t notice when he came there.
He: What are you working on?

Me: Just going through a new business deal contract.

He: Umm ok. Your eyes look blank. You seem stressed about something.

Me: Hun, I think we should end it.

He: End what?

Me: This.. this whatever is going on between us.

He: You are not yet committed to me yet u want to end it… 

Me: I’m serious. You deserve better and I don’t think I am the one. We are good friends and will always be.

He: Did you just friendzone me? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canvas size 12×16

He: This is the 3rd time u are pushing me away before trying. What is the reason this time?

Me: I am no more the same person. I have gained weight. I don’t look pretty anymore.  I just don’t think you should waste your time on me.

He: Okay. What makes you think all these? 🤔

She: Have you seen yourself? You’re so freaking handsome, girls drool at you and me I am a f***ing whale. I seriously think you should run after some other chick. 

He: 😂😂 Who have filled your head with all these stuff this time?

Me: No one. Don’t you see there is a hell and heaven difference between us?

He: Okay, have you realized that you have developed inferiority complex?

Me: I don’t have any complex, you are just ignoring the truth.


He: What if I say that you had ignored the truth when you stood up for me? What if I say that when everyone said and blamed me you stood up for me because you were blind to the truth. What if I say that whatever I was blamed for was true? 

 

 

 


Canvas size 11×14

Me: I don’t care what you feel about your self. I know you weren’t wrong. And you can’t change my thought for you.

He: Exactly, if I can’t change what you think of me then what makes you think you can change my thoughts for you?

Me: I don’t want to change your thoughts I just stated the fact in both the cases.

He: Ok. Tell me something, what is beauty according to you?

Me: I don’t know.

He: Is beauty according to you showing off your body parts? Or being beautiful means having a flat tummy and white complexion?

Me: I don’t know. You shouldn’t come down to my country to visit me. 

He: Ok. But you need to tell me what beauty is, else this time I am not letting you go. 

Me: Just LEAVE ME ALONE

 

Canvas Size: 12X16



I screamed. I never scream. I behaved badly. I instantly felt bad but instead of apologizing I ran out.

I didn’t know what to say or think. Have I seriously developed inferiority complex? But his question was valid what is beauty according to me?
I sat on my balcony chair for hours. I was unsure of my feelings. I felt bad. I felt sad. But I did not know why exactly was I feeling sad.

That evening he tried to talk to me but I ignored him. Before going off to bed I told him, “please go back as soon as possible from here because nothing is going to happen between us. I’m sorry for wasting your time but I truly think you deserve better.”
He didn’t answer anything to me, I could see the sadness in his eyes but I knew whatever I was doing was good for him. And within months he will forget me and move on. 

SandArt Size 11X14

Next day he woke up before me. He didn’t wake me up. By the time I woke up he had left. His bag, his clothes nothing was there. I knew he was gone. I could feel he was gone. As I went to the kitchen to get coffee for myself I saw a note stuck on the refrigerator, which said.”You are beautiful because you make others feel happy. You care for others more than yourself. Real beauty comes from the kind of person you are, the choices you make and how you treat other people. I know you were talking about your outer beauty and I truly don’t know who has filled your head with what but one thing I know that is you will realize where you have gone wrong. And when you realize it you will find me waiting for you. You know where to find me”

Canvas Size 12X16
Canvas Size 12X16

 

15th March 2019: It has been 5 months since he had gone. Many things have changed since then. Yes, he was right my head was filled up. I believed someone whom I didn’t know was an old friends’ ex-girlfriend. By the time I realized what was going on with me I had lost my self-confidence and already had 2 panic attacks. But out of all these 1 good thing happened, I had a weight loss of 12 pounds. But yes I had also learnt that I should not take anyone’s words seriously. Not everybody cares honestly about you. Some are hypocrites too. I should have learnt this lesson in August 2018 but I did not as I still believed that still there is goodness on earth. Had I not learnt this lesson this time I would have lost myself completely.

 

Canvas Size 12X16

 

Date 11th April: I finally got guts to go and meet him. My flight is at 8pm from John F. Kennedy International Airport. I know he was always right. And I know where to find him. I will not push him away anymore because may be I do not love him but he loves me and he is all I have. This time I will be happy and I won’t let him go anymore.

 

 

 

Disclaimer: All the paintings and artwork are my own and is copyrighted. It is not up for sale.

108 thoughts on “Smeared

  1. Natalie says:

    He sounds like an amazing man. We often tend to give in to fear and put ourselves down, only to realize after that it was negative self-talk and limiting beliefs stopping us from opening up to the people that are always there for us.

  2. Sarah Bailey says:

    Sometimes it hard to not listen to what others are whispering in your ear isn’t it? And sometimes we just need to spend some time working on everything and seeing where it leads, to get to the thing we want most.

  3. Ola says:

    This artworks is absolutely stunning! How talented you are. As far as the storyline goes, to make a relationship blossom it can never be about one person. Thinking about the other individual will make both genuinely happy.

  4. Kristine Nicole Alessandra says:

    I can relate to your story as this happened to me at one point in my life. I am glad I chose the man who became my husband. He is the only one who loves me despite my “perceived” flaws. Wishing you all the happiness in the world!

  5. Hannah Marie says:

    These are all wonderful portraits you have here. You really got a passion for art obviously. I really love this post.

  6. Brittany Vantrease says:

    I grew up in a house where it was a crime to be fat. We were always dieting and worrying about what we looked like. That wasn’t a way to live.

    It doesn’t matter what you look like- I’ve seen your picture and you’re beautiful.

    However, it sounds like the man you’re speaking about is one worth fighting for. He’ll stick by you whether you’ve lost weight or gained it. He knows your moods and stays by you. He sounds like a keeper.

    But! You don’t need to be in a relationship if your heart isn’t in it, either. A relationship doesn’t define who you are. It’s good to have friends and great to find love, but make sure your heart is in it for the right reasons.

  7. Chad says:

    This is so beautiful Moni, your words, your art, you, so beautiful. He seems like a very nice guy, i am so happy you’re going to meet him.

  8. Genny Gall says:

    Such a beautiful story, he loves you, and you deserve him. By the way, you are a great artist; what techniques do you use?

  9. David Elliott says:

    Those are some pretty beautiful paintings there. It is a very sad story you tell. And I hope that you can find happiness and peace honestly. It is good that someone loves you no matter what. That’s always a beautiful thing.

  10. Lydia Smith says:

    He is really amazing guy who will stay through thick and thin thou am sad you realize it late but am glad you did. So go for him and love him and yourself more.

  11. Brittany F. says:

    This is such an emotional piece and I couldn’t stop reading. I truly hope things work out! It’s so hard to hear good advice when our confidence is broken. You both seem like great people and deserve the best. Best of luck.

  12. Shubh says:

    The canvases are wonderful. You have got meaningful art talent. At first, I thought this story isn’t real until I read the last line. The world needs more good men like him 🙂

  13. Sundeep says:

    I love to read such articles. Good to know that you met him. He is amazing person for sure. Lots of patience at the same time. Never loose such people

  14. Alexandra Cook says:

    This is so marvelous and very mesmerizing. I love these artworks and this is one of the best that I’ve encounter so far. Each design is so meaningful.

  15. Komal says:

    Wow. These paintings are stunning and i especially love that each one has a deep rooted story. I believe art is better this way.

  16. Waren Jean Go says:

    I must say those paintings look beautiful but the story that you wrote is very interesting. Is that your own life story or a fiction you created?

  17. Cindy Ingalls says:

    First I have to say your artwork is truly beautiful. It pairs so well with your story. I hope you and your special someone can find a way to be together. It sounds like he is a true gem.

  18. MELANIE EDJOURIAN says:

    The painting are great and different from others I have seen. They go well with the story. It can be better to make up your own mind then let others influence.

  19. Cendu says:

    The paintings are so so beautiful! You are so talented! Your story is so touching. Please remember how special you are. If only you can see yourself the way others do <3

  20. Nursery Rhymes Girl says:

    This is sooooooo creative . You remembered me so many things by writing this.. 🙂 Happy blogging.. Need more mind cooling things like this again.

    Ps: I love this font very much. It adds a great value to your blog.

  21. blair villanueva says:

    One of my pet peeves is self-pity. It is our role to do our best to makes us feel good, and if we choose to self-pity then we will stuck there.

  22. Neil Alvin Nicerio says:

    Great paintings. Sorry, I was lost with the arts and was not able to focus much on the written Content.

  23. Yonnah M at yonnahsays.com says:

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with letting go of an amazing person that just might be a bit mor amazing for someone other than you. It can hurt though. I love the story and the paintings as well.

  24. Glorious Heights says:

    It’s like a fairytale.. he sounds like an amazing guy.. So you aren’t just a talented writer but an amazing artist. You are one gifted person 👍🏻

  25. Lydia Smith says:

    The artwork and painting really protrait alot about the post. Fear is one thing we need to remove from our lives and taking more risk in life’s either in love or any other things.

  26. Enriqueta Lemoine says:

    My darling, I’m so happy you’re going. While reading, I didn’t know what to say. I hope all this will be good for your and both of you. I wish you the best Moni”

  27. aisasami says:

    What a compelling tale! You must tell us how was the visit on April. He seems like a wonderful guy and I was wondering if you and him got back together.

  28. Cindy says:

    Beautiful written and illustrated with your art. Life is complex. Love even more so. The work done on the inner journey manifests outwardly into the world. Blessings on your continued journey!

  29. Grace Esedeke | Today Was Fab says:

    Why don’t you sell your artworks? There are so beautiful I could literally feel the emotions in them. I spent more time looking at them than actually reading your beautiful article which I completely relate to. I’m sure many people would want to have these on their wall. I would.

  30. Elizabeth O says:

    I can see he loves you truly..Sometimes we must first love and appreciate ourselves before we share the love to others. Believe in love and may you find true happiness.

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