(Based on a real-life incident)
I am going through a rough patch. Recently, my heart was broken, well mostly because I had been an idiot. I had seen signs of narcissism but still, I let it go. I kept on forgiving. I messed up my self-respect which had affected me badly. Mostly because I am an empath and we empaths have a lot of compassion and understanding to give. We keep on giving away, forgive everything which ends up badly for us.
Those who know, I am from Mumbai city, India and I work as a counselor in Gujrat, India. So I met this narcissist (we will call him Z) in Gujarat in the café where I used to sit and write. He was from the city where I completed my college and he was in Gujarat for his work. Weirdly, he was in the same college just 2 years senior to me but we never met, maybe because we had different streams. Mine was Psychology and he was doing Hotel Management. Although I am not much of a talker still I don’t know how we hit it off. We used to talk all night. Mostly he used to talk and I used to listen. He loved bragging about himself. He told me about his ex’s, how they had hurt him. I used to listen. I found him sweet, I liked his way of talking.
It went on for some time, rather a long time. I started liking him, his compliments. Everything about him made me smile, made me happy. I realized he had PTSD but I thought it might be due to his old harsh experiences. I enjoyed his company, his compliments, his possessiveness, everything. I didn’t realize when I gave him access to myself. We became more than friends but not lovers. I had met his 2 friends who were very close to him and they had shifted in Gujrat too. One had started a family here, his friends liked me but whenever he wasn’t present there among us they asked me a question which at that time I took very lightly but I should have seen the indications. They used to ask, “You are an aspiring young lady, you have a good career, what do you see in him?”, and as an answer, I used to laugh away.
And then it started, at first, I overlooked it then when it started affecting me I realized he only texted or called me when he needed something. He used to insult me in front of his friends which I ignored because at that point time we all had become friends. Whereas, his friends used to stand up for me. Whenever I stopped talking to him it didn’t bother him first but when he needed something, he used to call and apologize and I, like an idiot used to forgive him. He controlled me about everything but never liked it when I suggested something.
I do a lot of charity, he had a problem with it too, and he hated when his friends used to talk to me more than him, gave me the attention which he wanted. He loved being the center of attraction. He had told them that as I am a city girl I looked down on country people or suburban people, (which is a lie) because he hated when they spoke to me more and not to him. He had somehow made me mentally, emotionally dependent on him. What I realized pretty late as I was in love with him, but I didn’t have any word from him about it, because I am afraid of relationships and he was aware of that. He from time to time gave me hints but was never clear. One more thing I didn’t realize was I had started drifting away from all my old friends. I have very few friends and he had a problem with me talking to guys so the friends who had been with me my entire life, in my ups and downs, when my parents died, I had abandoned them. My friends tried reaching to me but I didn’t respond to their calls or texts because I wanted to make Z happy.
When the lockdown started here on the 21st of March, all our works were stopped, we started working from home and then the actual game began. He completely controlled me. He was once stopped by police for stepping out during lockdown, he took money from me saying that the police charged him and he didn’t have it (later on I got to know that it was a lie). I stopped working on my novel, I worked less on the blog, as he started demanding for my time. Whenever I used to say I am happy, enjoying, he would say, ‘I am in trouble here and you are having fun at home. Very good.’ He used to gaslight me. He often used to ask me for money, the reason he stated was he didn’t have money to eat even due to no salary. I almost bore all his expenses.
Now, on 17th May I went back to Mumbai (home) and he was still in Gujarat. For some days he blasted my phone with texts that he missed me and when was I coming back. I wanted to go back desperately but the lockdown had worsened here in Mumbai. I started talking to my old friends. They tried to convince me that how he had manipulated me and is making my life worse. I didn’t listen.
Then suddenly a very good friend of mine started facing worse issues financially as I had mentioned in my post ‘Thank You’, and I was all busy trying to help him out. In the end, I was able to send him home, thanks to some charitable trusts, who reached out to me after all my hard work.
Z didn’t like me helping my friend, suddenly he started avoiding me. It bothered me. Whenever I asked him for reason he hurt me, insulted me badly. Still, I didn’t give up. I thought it was because he was out of work now. Then he started asking me for money as according to him he didn’t have money to go back home. I didn’t help him, which angered him and he kept on saying that I helped my friend but couldn’t help him, at some point he told me to opt for a gold loan even or to sell my chain and rings that I wear. Luckily, I didn’t. My gut feeling stopped me. Things were going on and off between us and I was getting more and more depressed. Everything got affected, my work, my freelance projects, my blog, everything. He even told me not to talk to his friends as they had laundered his money. I stopped talking to them but something inside me told me that Z wasn’t telling me the truth. He was a liar, I knew that his friends knew that but for all of us he was like a kid. We all loved him.
One day I had enough and I called up his friend and demanded to know what had been going on since I had left. They told me that he asked me for money to get drunk and he had laundered their money, even the police charging him money was also a lie. They gave me concrete pieces of evidence as well and lastly the last little bit of faith I had was shattered when they told me that he had gone back to his city Gurgaon (Haryana, India) and that’s why was avoiding me, he was done using me. I broke down. I called him but didn’t tell him that I knew the truth about him. After forcing a lot he told me that he had gone back to his place but he stuck to his story that his friends had cheated upon him. I asked him for evidence but he didn’t have any.
His misbehavior with me increased, him avoiding me increased. I could feel that he wanted to discard me, but it wasn’t easy for me. At some point, I even confessed my love to him but he rejected me and kept on saying we shouldn’t talk because he doesn’t feel the same. I told him I was ok with it. What I felt weird was he didn’t remember the good times we had, he told me that he didn’t remember telling me that he missed me. His mental tortures on me increased.
I literally begged him to talk to me. I used to cry for the entire day, which made me sick. And finally, the day came when I couldn’t take it anymore and I called him up and told him that I knew the truth, how he had cheated on his friends and me about money. This infuriated him and he told me a lot of things. I told him that I don’t want my money back but I’ll file a case against him if he ever dared to contact me.
He blocked me from Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram, Snapchat. Everywhere!
Recently, a common friend sent me a picture of him partying. He looked happy. I blocked that friend.
Where I feel bad is I f***ed up my self-respect. If you want me to be honest, I have forgiven him. Maybe, I still love him but I don’t want him back. The worst part is, he had badmouthed about me to his friends in his own city (Gurgaon), he labeled me insane. That is what may be the narcissists do!
I am afraid of having him back. I am afraid of going through the same things. I am afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid of the thought of him contacting me again because I am tired of getting used, I am tired of his lies.
My friend Kate, vlogger of travel vlog Erik & Kate had been a pillar, she had been way patient with me!
His those 2 friends are still in touch with me, they check up on me from time to time. I don’t like talking to them because when they tried to warn me, I didn’t listen.
The incident, our fight was on 10th July 2020, and still now whenever I remember the good times my lips smile and my eyes get wet. I often think about where I went wrong. He had narcissistic traits, how on earth did I miss it out? He made me question my sanity, he made me question myself that was I so bad?
I am sure he has already forgotten me. He never liked looking back!
Maybe I am thinking too much. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself… Maybe!